Sunday, June 29, 2008

BEWARE OF MONSTER DISEASE

The following post is a public service announcement.

Ahh, summer time and the livin is (mostly) easy for moms and dads and kids. No school, no schedule; late nights spent catching lightning bugs are followed by days spent sleeping in and swimming.

As with every season, however, there are few extra "worries" a parent must have for their children in the summer. We have to check for ticks so that the kids don't get lime disease. We have to invest in vats of spf 70, to keep their skin from burning, and dozens of flotation devices to keep them from drowning in the pools, lakes, and oceans that we take them to visit to keep them cool.

Most moms and dads are aware of the dangers of summer, with one notable exception. Monster disease tends to manifest itself rather innocuously, at first, and so is rarely spotted in time. This incurable condition can only be outgrown, and this takes years. Managing it is difficult, if not impossible, and yet so few parents pay attention to the warning signs.

Summer time provides the perfect conditions for this disease to over take children. Long days spent at home under the same roof with one or both parents and siblings is often all it takes for a child this condition to spread. Experts advise that enrolling children in military, or other work-related, sleepover camps may be the best way to prevent your child(ren) from contracting this ugly disease.

If you notice your child developing any of the following symptoms, you should call a camp at once. This disease often affects "first"and only children around the age of nine; younger siblings, however tend to develop it much earlier on, and cases of monster disease have been seen in children as young as four.
*sharp tongue, off which phrases like, "do I have to", roll with ease.
*enlarging mouth, also known as "big mouth", in which the child constantly comments (negatively) on everything.
*pupil rolling that occurs frequently, and often after a child is asked to do something like "help".
*Vision impairment that affects the child's ability to see: what proper clothing looks like; what a clean room looks like; how amazingly cool their parents are; etc.
*Deafness, that comes and goes- i.e. the child may hear "who wants ice cream from the down the street, but can not hear his own mother shouting "stop that" from two inches away.

As the disease progresses, parents may notice their children developing:
* a seemingly uncontrollable urge to run in and out of the house compulsively all day long.
* repetitive speech, i.e. the child will not say "mom can I have a snack" once, but rather will in an almost robotic and highly agitating tone say over and over again, momcanIhaveasnackmomcanIhaveasnackmomcanIhaveasnack, until he gets what he wants.
* An insatiable appetite that disappears during regular mealtimes, but then instantly reappears, especially if the words "snack" or "desert" are mentioned.
* A constant desire to strike, wrestle and insult her siblings.

Prevention of this disease is imperative because if left unchecked, parents may likely be driven insane by their children affected by monster disease. Children with this disease are very difficult to deal with, and nearly impossible to be around. Children do usually outgrow this disease by about the age of 25, but by then it may be too late for their moms and dads.

For more information, consult your pediatrician. Know the warning signs. Practice prevention. Send the kids to sleep away camp for the summer.

5 comments:

Jenn said...

LOL. Oh no I think my kids may be catc hing this but they are on the younger side 4 and 3. I guess that means I am doomed. I did go with a camp 3 days a week and karate twice hopeing to get the listening and folowing directions under control but I think the monster plague has hit the east Coast hard this year. Thanks for the warning!

Ms Picket To You said...

found you through mr always home and uncool. yay!

also, i fear that prevention will no longer work for me. the disease has overcome the three short people in the house and by god, if i hadn't stumbled on this earlier, we might have all been saved.

mommastantrum said...

Oh dear! Mine has caught this at 4. I will seek help immediately. Theraputic drugs most certainly have to be available somewhere! If not I will be hurting myself very soon! Thank you for this warning.

buffi said...

Oh, yes we have a full blown epidemic at our house. The 11 y/o has had it for years and I can now see that the 5- & 7- y/o have it as well.

I have been known to use those old chestnuts from my own childhood, "Are you having a seizure? Because I KNOW that you did NOT just roll your eyes at me!"
As well as, "Shut the door already! I'm not paying to air condition the back yard!"

The 11 y/o leaves for camp tomorrow. Yet I am distressed because she has actually become helpful when it comes to her brothers. We'll see how things go.

Moira said...

Since my house is Ground Zero for Monster Disease, we are probably the ones who infected your fam. Sorry bout that! Makes you yearn for the days when it was only pink-eye we were passing on!!!